Archive for April, 2012

April 29, 2012

Is it anti-American to eat dogs?

This week I received a letter from a reader, who asks:

Dir Sir,

It has recently come to light that Hussein Obama has eaten dogs. Is this something we need to respect as part of local culture, or is this un-American behavior?

There are certain dietary allowances we must make as Americans. For example, our Jewish brothers and sisters are allowed their traditional kosher diet because we need them for the rapture. In other words, if the diet of the foreigners benefits Americans, then we support it.

However, eating dogs is ALWAYS anti-American. There are a few reasons for this:

1) Eating dogs is part of Indonesian culture, and Indonesia is an Islamic country. Thus, everything done in Indonesia is the polar opposite of American values. It is something we must hate and deplore, and strive to eradicate from the earth.

2) Dogs are pets, not food. Eating dogs shows a hostility against the traditional American lifestyle that may be unmatched in modern history, other than speaking Spanish in America. Hussein Obama deliberately and purposefully hurt America by eating dogs that could have been brought to America and loved by patriotic American Christians.

3) Obama has no birth certificate AND has eaten dogs. Is there any longer a question that he’s a foreigner?

April 7, 2012

The Presidential Pledge

All candidates will hopefully sign our pledge, thus letting the voters know they are fit to be elected President. We are hoping that in the future, signing this pledge will become a requirement of getting on the ballot.

THE PRESIDENTIAL PLEDGE TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE

1. I will never apologize for America
2. I will speak no language but English
3. I will only allow English to be spoken in the White House
4. I will not allow Muslims in the White House
5. I will not allow any female member of my family to use contraception
6. I will never hire an immigrant
7. I will not believe in evolution
8. I will not allow any female member of my family to have an abortion, under any circumstances.
9. I will carry a gun in the White House at all times.
10. I will not send my children to liberal brainwashing public schools
11. I will never raise taxes at any time, under any circumstances
12. I will always strive to put Ronald Reagan on the US currency
13. I will praise Jesus Christ, the founder of America, every day
14. I will work to abolish the Department of Education
15. I will work to pass a law declaring English as the official language of the universe